here I am

Ever since I found out about blogs, I’ve wanted to have one. I’ve dabbled in blogging for the last ten years. I had one blog for several years that focused on my graphic design, and when I decided to exit that world, I shut it down. I started several more after that, but nothing stuck. I was searching for my niche, my passion, my purpose. All of those things were eluding me. Nothing felt right, and I was so frustrated I continually quit.

Sometimes I feel I have a disadvantage because I’m easily distracted. I have a super hard time when things always stay the same. I have many varying interests and- dare I say- even passions. I’m not sure you can be passionate about a lot of things in life all at the same time, but my passions rotate like a carousel. One week I will immerse myself in learning everything I can about photography. Then maybe for a month, I will pursue knowledge and skills in woodworking. In the fall I always renew my zeal for homeschooling and pore over books, blogs, and grill my fellow homeschool friends about what they are doing for curriculum, schedules, co-ops, testing. I love cooking and researching different food and eating lifestyles. I could go on and on.

Through all of my interests, I’ve tried to identify a common denominator. I always felt like it was creating healthy home and family. So I tried to blog about how to have that, but you know what? It’s different for everyone. AND I found that I may love to develop recipes and research nutrition, but I don’t like writing about it or posting recipes. I may love to decorate our home, but I don’t like telling other people how to do their house. I may love writing up homeschool schedules and plans, but it bores me to try to explain to everyone else how I do it. I was trying to do all these things, and it was not “working” because although I have a passion for those topics, I don’t necessarily have the passion to share about HOW or WHY others should do these things.

I’ve also been really hesitant to come out and declare any expertise in any certain area. I perceive myself as a lifelong learner. I truly hunger for knowledge. And it’s true, what they say, the more you know the more you realize you don’t know. Who was I to tell people about something in which my own knowledge has cavernous holes? It felt disingenuous. I felt like a fraud when I tried to instruct people on something.

In all of my attempts to figure this out, I think my writing was reflecting the turmoil I was experiencing in my personal life. I always wanted a big family, to stay home and be a wife and mother. I’ve been doing that- living my dream!- but I’ve still had the feeling that I had no direction. I’ve had a yearning for something, a feeling that I was meant for more. (And please understand, I adore my family and find so much joy in taking care of them.) I tried to find comfort in the quote by C.S. Lewis, ” If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” Yet, what if I have a desire that has been in my heart since my creation and I’ve been too afraid to even acknowledge it? Are we supposed to strive to “be who you are” or find peace in the circumstances we find ourselves? Or both simultaneously?

About a month or so ago, some events happened in my life that forced to look myself in the eyes and ask myself: “WHO ARE YOU AND WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE? Are you ready to cut out all of the SHIT that is littering the landscape of your life? Are you ready to face yourself and the world without apology? Are you ready to put yourself out there- because you’ve been hiding behind all these facades because you were afraid you would make a mistake or look silly? Guess what- you’re a sinner, get over it. You’ve been saved by Jesus so stop fretting and floundering, afraid to take a step forward.” And for what feels like the first time ever, I answered myself, “YES. I am ready.”

I’m putting this out there: You know who I am and what I like to write about? My story. Not because I’m selfish or self-indulgent. (I have my flaws for sure, but I don’t think that’s what I’m dealing with in this instance!) I want to share. I want to share because I believe there are so many other people out there, specifically Christian moms but others too, who can relate to my joys and struggles. People who can learn from me, or be inspired by me, or commiserate with me, or find a friend in me. People who can teach ME, inspire ME, or be MY friend. I long to find other mamas who want to live unconventional lives. I want to fellowship with other women who follow their passions. I want to build a community of friends that not just support each other but actually raise each other up. I want to find and provide tools to help us cut out all those things that tie us down and don’t really matter. I want to love on others with generous abundance. I want to be loved by people who stick by my side even when I’m ugly or fakey or real or flawed and I want to be that for them.

So. That is who I am. I’ve been too afraid to reach out and ask for those wants and needs. So I’m asking now. If what I’m saying resonates with you, be a part of my blog and my life. I want to get to know you and hear your stories. I want to dream big dreams and chase them down without apology. If you do too, we can be friends. I want that.

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